| Comprehending I.T. | I.T.Glossary | Quantas maintenance problems | Misc | True tales of idiots |
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A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all
day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you
and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a
fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, "We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money."
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed.
All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the sh*t!
Management Lesson:
You don't need brains to be a Boss - any asshole will do.
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Management Lesson:
1) Not everyone who drops sh*t on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep sh*t, keep your mouth shut!
Two IT guys were walking across the park when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second IT guy replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said," Take what you want." The first IT guy nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."
An architect, an artist and an IT guy were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The IT guy said, "I like both." Both?" The IT guy replied "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done."
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the IT guy, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
An IT guy was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The IT guy took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a week and do ANYTHING you want." Again the IT guy took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The IT guy said, "Look I work in IT. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
BATCH PROCESSING: Making a lot of cookies at once
BINARY: Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes
BOOT: What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skills
BUFFER: Programmer who works in the nude
CHARACTER DENSITY: The number of very weird people in the office, divided by the floor space
CODING: An addictive drug
COMPILE: A heap of decomposing vegetable matter
COMPUTER: A device designed to speed and automate errors
COMPUTER CLUB: Used to strike computer forcefully upon receiving error messages
CONSOLE: What one does to a depressed computer
COPY: What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at the computer and not enough time studying
DISK: What goes out in your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a stretch
DUMP: 1) The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer OR
2) A system programmer's work area
HARDWARE: If you drop it on your foot, and it hurts, it's hardware. (See software)
KEYBOARD: An instrument used for entering errors into a system
LANGUAGE: A system of organising and defining error messages
LOOP: See loop
MENU: What you'll never see again after buying a computer because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant
MICROCOMPUTER: One millionth of a computer
NULL STRING: The result of a 4-hour database search
PRINTER: Johann Gutenberg (1400-1468)
RETURN: What lots of people do with their computers after only a week and a half
SOFTWARE: If you drop it on your foot, and it doesn't hurt, it's software
USER: Someone requiring drug rehabilitation
WINDOWS: What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up
These are some actual maintenance complaints, generally known as squawks, submitted by Qantas pilots to maintenance engineers.
After attending to the squawks prior to the Aircraft's next flight, the maintenance crews are required to log the details of action taken as a solution to the pilot's squawks. The following are some recent squawks and subsequent responses by maintenance crews. (P) Is the problem logged by the pilot and (S) marks the solution and action taken by maintenance engineers.
(P) Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
(S) Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
(P) Test flight OK, except Autoland very rough.
(S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
(P) No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(S) No. 2 seepage normal - No. 1, No. 3 and No. 4 propellers lack normal
seepage.
(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(S) Something tightened in cockpit.
(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(S) Evidence removed.
(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(S) Volume set to more believable level.
(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(S) Live bugs on order.
(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode, produces a 200-fpm descent.
(S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(S) That's what they're there for!
(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right" and be serious!
(P) Target Radar hums.
(S) Re-programmed Target Radar with words instead of the tune.
(P) IFF inoperative.
(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
(P) Number three engine missing.
(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.
When Joe was touring Spain, he stopped at a local restaurant to eat. While dining, he saw a scrumptious dinner dish being served at the next table. It looked and smelled wonderful. He inquired to the waiter, who replied, "Ah, Senor, you have excellent taste. Those are bull's balls from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!" Joe, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation." He requested an order. The waiter informed him there was only one order served per day as there is only one bull fight each morning. The waiter related that if Joe returned early and placed his order the next day he would be sure to try the rare dish.
The next morning he returned and much to his delight, Joe was served the one and only special dish of the day. Upon inspection and after a few bites, he noted to the waiter that they were much smaller than the ones served the previous day.
The waiter shrugged and replied, "Si, senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
A Chinese man walked into a pub in New York with his pal. He says to his pal: "Hey! That's "Jurassic Park's director Steven Spielberg over there!"
"God, I wish he'll come over to say hi.?" Spielberg suddenly walked over and gave the man a heavy punch on the nose. "Hey! What's that for?"
"You bloody Japanese killed my granddad when you bombed Pearl Harbor!" he said.
"I'm not Japanese! I'm Chinese!"
"Chinese, Vietnamese, Japanese, you're all the same! "Spielberg walks back.
The Chinese man calmly walks over and gives Spielberg a really heavy punch in the face. "What the... !?" "YOU BLOODY AMERICAN! YOU SANK THE TITANIC!"
"No, no, an iceberg sank the Titanic!"
"Iceberg, Carlsberg, Spielberg, you're all the same!"
A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and, liking the warm tropical weather, settled down for a day's sunbathing. He fell asleep, and after a whole day his legs became sunburnt beyond belief. He could hardly stand the pain. He decided to go to the doctor for treatment. The doctor looked at his lobster-coloured legs and shook his head. "You must realize that this is only a small village surgery," he explained. "I've really got nothing at all to help you. However, try taking this just before bedtime..." The doctor gave him one tablet of Viagra. Puzzled, the man asked, "I've got acute sunburn: what's a Viagra tablet going to do?" "Nothing at all for the sunburn," the doctor replied, "but it will keep the sheets off your legs."
IDIOT #1
I'm a medical student doing rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre.
Today, a woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter
eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there was
no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end
of the conversation, mentioned that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat
in order to kill the ants. I told her she better bring her daughter into the
Emergency room. Right away.
IDIOT #2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a
life raft from one of the 747's. They were successful in getting it out of the
plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were surprised
by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper
was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the raft is
inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing
IDIOT #3
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of
America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your
muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the
teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might
call the police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of
America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in
line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising
from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour, told
him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank
of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo
deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man
said "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was
waiting in line back at Bank of America.
IDIOT #4
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his
speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a
ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police
department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from
the police that contained a picture of handcuffs.
IDIOT #5
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash
from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a
bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the
cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I
don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still
refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the
robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The
clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the
scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier
promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he
got off the license. They arrested him two hours later.
IDIOT #6
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The
first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled
first bandit shot him.
IDIOT #7
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd
just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze and
run. So, he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking
him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole
event was caught on videotape.
IDIOT #8
Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a
Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 a.m., flashed a gun and demanded
cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash
register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said
they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away!
